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Monday, June 28, 2010

Help me, that I may release my grip.

Release me from it

That I may not give you power to gloat over me

That I may not fall down and bleed

May I stop giving you the power over me

May it stop

I cannot rely on you

because you, you have casted your shadow

one that of doubt, of unfriendliness, unloving, unkind

or maybe its just me

but I shall strip away... I pray that I am able to

strip away those powers that I've once given you

Monday, June 21, 2010

I am indifferent today.

But I feel the need wanted to note my whispers.

The Lord is my shepherd. In Him I shall place my trust.
O Lord my God, teach me to release my grip, my hold on earthly things.
The words "Let go" still rings in my mind, words utter by someone praying over me
Words uttered with power. 3 times
At that moment, I fell; resting in Your presence.
I long to feel that again Lord.
Teach me once again to let go.
I am not unhappy, nor am I sad. Just numb, indifferent.
I have not accepted it, nor will I recognize it.
I will not.
But Lord, teach me.. once again.
Release me from my bondage.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

best of both worlds

My worlds are somehow colliding... In a good way I hope. I really hope it is. I'm not really worried, as someone always tells me not to worry. But why I didn't get that chance to build that bridge with stones? Or did I but I just let it pass? I've always prayed for one thing for years with regards to building bridges. My friend pointed out to me that maybe this might be the answer; for my worlds to collide. But still, its not to my liking...not at this pace.

Everybody knows everybody these days. I pray that things will be fine and reach its fruition.

Lord show me Your path laid out for me.

I pray now as I remember the many friends, companions, housemates ;p I've met along the way that have lit my path, to find my way towards You. May You O Lord bless each one of them with success, great faith and courage as they traverse this sinful earth.

Uncomplicate my mind dear Lord as I try to dance to Your new rhythm.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


A sudden rush of sadness and pain just ran through my earthly body. Why do I allow myself to be inflicted with such pain?

I strive to be someone. Not just anyone, but someone. Someone in the eyes of my beloved.

I am possessive. I know I am. I try my best to let go. I've been doing that, for a while now. Only the Lord knows how I struggle. No words can express the pain I inflict upon myself. Not physical pain but one that strikes the heart. A sword piercing through the very soul of my inner being. I am ..... I am... I just am. I cry from within. My soul cries with me. At times, I remind myself that I'm a traveler on this very earth, I am on a journey Home. I am in this world, but not of the world.

It hit me one morning a few days back as I stood in the showers. That nothing is constant in this world. Therefore, why am I still relying on things of this world for only He is constant. Yet I question, even the saints feel His silence.

I have much to say... or do I? For I fall short of words as the soul feels deeply.

Unrelated to this, I am tired with some people at work, at their attitude. I am glad that in a couple of weeks, I'm washing my hands. Not important to me to feel sad about. Not worth my time.

I am reminded that life is not easy. If it was, I am on the wrong side of the road.

To feel is to be human.

To sin is human, to forgive divine.

Let all nations prostrate before You, O Lord. May I learn to magnify Your name and make that my sole purpose. Help me with what goes on within, and may I not fall for Satan's suggestions.

Monday, June 14, 2010


"dear diary" ...lolx

I have been moody these days. thinking and going through everyday living, living the BORING life of a working adult.

I've been thinking a lot. Feeling a lot. Questioning each sadness with a question, WHY?

Questions related to religion, and some rather more philosophical or with regards to morality came my way too.

But nothing hurts me much as related to relationships and life.
I tried to make a point these few days, that a certain someone... or in actuality, a few certain someones are an important and integral part of my life. I made them so and they know it because I made sure of it. Back to the topic,I made a point... a subtle one I guess, via my no-show at a gathering. I made a point not to reply text messages. My point did not get through.

As I read memoir accounts of a saintly nun, Sister Lucia of Fatima; a sense of pride burns in me, as she is Portuguese, a land dedicated to Our Lady; the land my ancestors apart from China. Anyways, in her writings, she reveals that she suffers loneliness at the departure of her cousins, Francisco and Jacinta, and her father from this earth at an early age. She wept bitterly. I've also come across accounts even of Mother Theresa's stating her loneliness in the midst of God's silence. I think I can connect to that feelings. What we all know is that everyone will feel lonely, more so when one is in their golden age.

However, one cannot escape the sense of loneliness even at a very young age. The young, upon feeling this void, a monster that eat them up from the inside, try to fill that void. The Catholic church teaches that youth resort to masturbation, pornography etc as its approach is from a psychological point of view. I think this is probably correct. But for me bringing up this point, I question if my actions, of having non-blood-related siblings that I treat well, rightly so as my own flesh. Is this a "symptom" of me filling my void?

I am sad. I am a Christian. I am facing difficulties following the path laid out. I struggle. I pray and I stop. I fall. I deceive. I lie. I sin. I fall I fall I fall as Satan suggests me. I'm saddened. Over many paths, decisions. I'm saddened.

An interesting personal message by a friend, "can you lay your life down, so a stranger can life?". This question is rather NOT new to me, BUT it reminded me of my past. I asked this question many times in the past, would I lay my life down for those certain someones. My answer was without a doubt certainly YES!!~ This question is laid out in the bible also, and by the example of the supreme act of Crucifixion. Well written, this example extends to laying ones life even for strangers, not only our own beloved and loved ones. I am a little bit unsure of my recent answer, but was reminded again by the Lord. I am ashamed of my recent answer, I question laying down my life for my beloveds.

Do I want those relationships? Why is it important? or rather why did I make it important? Why do I care or why am I sensitive, maybe at times overly sensitive? What does God want of me by giving me such 'gifts' if you can call it one? Do I want to water down those bonds? And if it is so, will my loneliness and hurt be alleviated as I move towards depending on Him? Or did He put them in place to help me know Him better?

Treat others as how I would like to be treated.

Lord, I offer my pains and sufferings, for my sins and of the world. Amen.