rant-questions

"dear diary" ...lolx

I have been moody these days. thinking and going through everyday living, living the BORING life of a working adult.

I've been thinking a lot. Feeling a lot. Questioning each sadness with a question, WHY?

Questions related to religion, and some rather more philosophical or with regards to morality came my way too.

But nothing hurts me much as related to relationships and life.
I tried to make a point these few days, that a certain someone... or in actuality, a few certain someones are an important and integral part of my life. I made them so and they know it because I made sure of it. Back to the topic,I made a point... a subtle one I guess, via my no-show at a gathering. I made a point not to reply text messages. My point did not get through.

As I read memoir accounts of a saintly nun, Sister Lucia of Fatima; a sense of pride burns in me, as she is Portuguese, a land dedicated to Our Lady; the land my ancestors apart from China. Anyways, in her writings, she reveals that she suffers loneliness at the departure of her cousins, Francisco and Jacinta, and her father from this earth at an early age. She wept bitterly. I've also come across accounts even of Mother Theresa's stating her loneliness in the midst of God's silence. I think I can connect to that feelings. What we all know is that everyone will feel lonely, more so when one is in their golden age.


However, one cannot escape the sense of loneliness even at a very young age. The young, upon feeling this void, a monster that eat them up from the inside, try to fill that void. The Catholic church teaches that youth resort to masturbation, pornography etc as its approach is from a psychological point of view. I think this is probably correct. But for me bringing up this point, I question if my actions, of having non-blood-related siblings that I treat well, rightly so as my own flesh. Is this a "symptom" of me filling my void?

I am sad. I am a Christian. I am facing difficulties following the path laid out. I struggle. I pray and I stop. I fall. I deceive. I lie. I sin. I fall I fall I fall as Satan suggests me. I'm saddened. Over many paths, decisions. I'm saddened.

An interesting personal message by a friend, "can you lay your life down, so a stranger can life?". This question is rather NOT new to me, BUT it reminded me of my past. I asked this question many times in the past, would I lay my life down for those certain someones. My answer was without a doubt certainly YES!!~ This question is laid out in the bible also, and by the example of the supreme act of Crucifixion. Well written, this example extends to laying ones life even for strangers, not only our own beloved and loved ones. I am a little bit unsure of my recent answer, but was reminded again by the Lord. I am ashamed of my recent answer, I question laying down my life for my beloveds.

Do I want those relationships? Why is it important? or rather why did I make it important? Why do I care or why am I sensitive, maybe at times overly sensitive? What does God want of me by giving me such 'gifts' if you can call it one? Do I want to water down those bonds? And if it is so, will my loneliness and hurt be alleviated as I move towards depending on Him? Or did He put them in place to help me know Him better?

Treat others as how I would like to be treated.

Lord, I offer my pains and sufferings, for my sins and of the world. Amen.